After divorce, no one wants to think that their ex-spouse is coaching the children. Sometimes you might get a feeling although you can’t put your finger on it. Sometimes, you have that feeling because our subconscious brain recognizes signs that we don’t realize. Here are six signs that you shouldn’t ignore, along with ways to respond.

Unique Language

The first sign is when your child uses language that they don’t normally use but your ex does. One parent said that her oldest daughter Jean asked her “Why have you been acting so weird lately?” Her daughter had never used it although her ex would frequently yell during an argument “Why are you acting so weird again?” Another example is using words that are obviously above their educational level. Mary was an average 5th grader. When her mother was explaining why she couldn’t stay overnight at her friend’s home. She angrily said, “You think you’re such a great Mom, but you’re actually toxic.” When her mother said, “Where did you learn that?” She quietly looked down.

Asking About Activities or Events

A second sign is when your child asks for information that they have never cared about before. For example, when her dad returned her back to her mom, six-year old Melonie asked him, “Are you going to the parent teacher conference tomorrow night?” She frequently asked when he was next coming to pick her up but she never asked her dad where he would be going when she was not with him. Age is a factor to consider because if Melonie had been 14, she might have been asking him if he was coming with her to the parent teacher conference.

Spewing “Divorce” Opinions

Another sign of coaching is providing divorce facts or opinions that aren’t even relevant to the question.  The classic example of coaching is when during the divorce, a custody evaluator asks what 10-year old John likes to do when he is at his dad’s. John takes a deep breath and launches into a tirade about how he thinks it is only fair that he should be able to live exactly the same amount of time with both parents.

Significant Other Questions

Another example there may be coaching is when kids ask questions that relate to a new significant other. Sixteen year old Sam loves video games and baseball but not cars. Sam had also never met his mom’s new boyfriend, John. Still, he asked his mother as she was leaving, “What are you going to do if the hose on your car breaks? Who is going to fix it? Is your friend ‘John’ going to fix it?

Odd Timing Questions

It is odd when kids ask questions about timing for events and things which do not affect them. Janice asked her father, “How long have you been seeing this lady, Marcia?” In another case, Jim who is 13 has his own cell phone but asked his mother “Just when did you get that second cell phone again?”

Money

It is  a problem when a child asks about money that doesn’t directly affect them (like an allowance.) Andrew asked his mom “What do you do with all the money you get from dad?” Sometimes, it is more direct. Maria (16) cried to her mom that her dad couldn’t afford to loan her money for a car because he gives “all his money to you for child support.” On the other side of the same coin, during a heated argument, Adam said to his father that maybe he and his mom could live “in a decent home if you weren’t so incredibly tight.”

3 Ways to Handle It

You might very well want to contact a divorce attorney or even seek divorce mediation if this has continued for quite awhile. But before you take that step, try these first.

Keep Calm

First, keep calm. Do not initially speak because the first thing that comes to mind might not be the best response. Take three deep breaths. Make sure not to respond until you feel you can do so calmly. Remember that speaking calmly is not giving in or giving up. Boundaries are more effective when we are calm and in control.

Correct the Facts in Supportive Way

It is appropriate to correct inappropriate/inaccurate facts and critical to do it showing you are working together. (If you aren’t working together, you can at least be positive about the other parent.) When Maria cries that her dad couldn’t afford to loan her money for a car because he gives “all his money to you for child support.” Mom could respond that it is important to clarify some things. First, dad works really hard to make the money to keep supporting our family. Second, she could discuss how they worked out the amount together because we love you. It is a fair amount which I use the best I can. If the parents can talk together, you might suggest meeting together with a therapist or post-divorce mediation to figure out how they can afford a car for Maria. When Adam criticizes dad about where they live because he is “so incredibly tight.” Realistically Dad should say nothing and walk away until things settle down. But when calm, he could say “Your mom and I both love you and want the best for you. We are each doing our best to support you.”

Don’t Answer

Not every question deserves an answer. Younger children can be distracted or the answer can be deflected. When six-year old Chandra asks mom what is she doing tomorrow night with “John” mom can answer “I’m not sure.” She can also let her know it is almost time for bed but they can read a book together if we “start right now.” Similarly, when asked when you got the second cell phone, you don’t have to recall that event.  Last, note that we didn’t include talking to the other parent to stop the behavior. We can’t change anyone else’s behavior so it is better to accept what we cannot change.