Divorce Affects Kids in College
It’s pretty common for married couples to wait to divorce until their kids are all out of the house and in college. You might think they are now independent and too busy studying or enjoying themselves to worry about your marriage. Since they don’t need you on a daily basis anymore, it feels like there is a safe amount of distance to protect them. However the truth is that divorce affects kids in college just as much as anyone else, just in different ways. Being aware of these effects can help you minimize and correct for them to do the best possible for your kids. Ignoring the risk can let it grow and cause your college kids even greater harm.
College is a New Form of Independence
With new freedom comes new responsibilities. The first year of college can be extremely stressful for new students. Making new friends, doing well in classes, supporting themselves with a job or internship…. it all gets overwhelming. This is a far cry from what most parents think – my kid will be so busy having so much fun, they won’t think of home. To the contrary, thinking of home may be just the thing that helps them succeed… which brings me to my next point.
Parents, Though Far Away, Are Still a Source of Security
Whether you live in town or a thousand miles away, parents remain a key source of security for college students. Your home and family relationships serve as a marker of stability amid the craziness of college. Coming home for a weekend, or even just giving parents a call goes a long way in helping them feel in control. When the stability of home breaks down during high-conflict divorces, it can leave the student totally adrift, with no stability or security at home to fall back on.
Divorce can Sow Anxiety About Family & Finishing School
When your parents get divorced, the end of their marriage is only one thing to worry about. Many times the impacts of a divorce spillover into other areas of your life – will your financial situation require your son to come home and help support the family? How will it impact your children’s relationships with one another? A divorce affects your kids by sowing doubt and anxiety beyond family matters, including school, work and friends. Don’t forget to address these impacts and discuss them with your college kids.
Adult Children Hear More Details, Good & Bad
One impact of divorce on college kids is largely self-created. It is natural to tell our adult children far more details than when they were younger. We feel they can handle tough topics with their newly developed emotional maturity. However sharing too much can cause kids unnecessary pain and anxiety. Whenever you can, fight the urge to vent or complain to college-aged kids. When you are visiting them at school or they are home for the weekend, the last thing they want to hear is one parent complain about the other. Focus on your kids, and remember that they may look like adults they are still your children at heart.
If you want to do everything you can to limit the impact of divorce on your kids, consider divorce mediation. It is the healthier, more affordable alternative to a litigated divorce with attorneys.
Want a more affordable, healthier divorce than court litigation? Click here to learn more about the many benefits of divorce mediation.
Lisa Derr
Lisa Derr is an experienced Divorce and Family Mediator with three offices in east central Wisconsin. She started the family mediation practice in 1995. Lisa earned her BA in psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1984 in four years despite a serious car accident that involved a 2-month hospital stay. She began practicing law in 1987. For the first 8 years of her career, Lisa litigated personal injury and divorce cases. But she was frustrated with the tremendous financial and emotional cost of divorce trials. Contested hearings inhibited reconciliation and healing for thewhole family. She started the Beaver Dam divorce mediation practice in 1995 and with her partner, Cassel Villarreal, expanded to Oshkosh and West Bend ten years later.