Divorce: Should I Wait Until After the Holidays?
Photo by Artyom Kulikov from Unsplash
Divorce Timing Matters
There’s no good time to begin a divorce. Still, there are worse times both emotionally and financially. We can help you make that difficult decision.
Do We have children?
Children love Christmas, Santa, and family. No one wants to ruin their holidays. Most people assume if you have children you should wait. But the answer is not obvious. You have to ask more questions.
What is our Conflict Pattern?
The holidays already produce stress. People have extra demands and schedules packed with too many commitments. There’s also the stress of covering additional expenses. This can trigger some of the worst arguments couples can have.
While every couple is unique, there are patterns over time. Some do not argue. In fact, they hardly communicate at all. Others may feel like they have terrible arguments all the time. In a 20 year study, Dr. Constance Ahrons interviewed young adults about their experiences as children in divorce. From her research, she created four groups of parenting styles.
- “Perfect pals” spoke frequently and had excellent discussions. Few couples attain this level.
- “Cooperative colleagues” communicated less often but the quality was high.
- “Angry associates” hardly interacted and the quality was average.
- “Fiery foes” hardly spoke and it was very angry when they did.
The first two groups represent “good divorces.” Unfortunately, children with high conflict reported that their parents’ marriage was actually more destructive than their divorce. For more information on the Good Divorce, click Here.
Parents often say that they don’t fight in front of their children. But if you argue after bedtime, your children have most likely heard you. Sometimes a child will actually say that they “can’t take it anymore.” Their holidays are already fraught with conflict. In that case, starting to separate may bring them some peace.
What is my relationship with my in-laws?
There’s an old saying that when you marry someone “you marry the whole family.” Your relationship with them matters. Divorce will always cause some issues, even in close families. If things are already tense, you might wait to avoid extra holiday conflict. This includes disrupting planned gatherings and the struggle with relatives taking sides. If you do not have children and are not going to continue those relationships, you may want to forge ahead.
Are we financially stable?
The holidays are financially draining. People have to shop for presents, host gatherings, and travel. Divorce mediation costs significantly less than traditional litigation and is a healthier alternative. (See Mediation Benefits.) But regardless of the method, starting a divorce requires some initial investment.
Can I access funds to begin the process?
There are several ways that couples can find the resources to begin the process. Savings accounts, credit cards, or a personal loan from friends or family are the most frequent. Less frequent methods include a year-end bonus or a bank or life insurance loan. If you can access funds without disrupting the holidays, it is easier move forward.
Look at the financial stability of both parties.
The idea of divorce scares even financially sophisticated people. That fear leads people to consider their circumstances but not their spouses. In deciding the timing, remember that you both need access to cash.
If one spouse earns significantly more, it is critical to consider resources for the other. Failing to do so could produce unexpected consequences. Who wants a contested temporary hearing? Another surprise is a lower credit rating because your spouse couldn’t pay marital debts. If you both have access to funds and can meet holiday expenses, you might consider moving forward.
Where are we emotionally now?
Last but not least, the most critical questions is “Where are we now?” One spouse almost always decides sooner that the marriage isn’t working. But both need time to process this decision. The one who first realizes it is over will research for months. But often that same person expects the other to immediately make decisions. Even if divorce mediation is the right path, it matters when you discuss it. For more information, click Talking to Your Spouse About Divorce Mediation. When both people are ready move forward, it doesn’t matter when you start.
The opposite is also true. When one of you is shellshocked or enraged, it is best to give them time, especially during the holidays.
Lisa Derr
Lisa Derr is an experienced Divorce and Family Mediator with three offices in east central Wisconsin. She started the family mediation practice in 1995. Lisa earned her BA in psychology from the University of Wisconsin in 1984 in four years despite a serious car accident that involved a 2-month hospital stay. She began practicing law in 1987. For the first 8 years of her career, Lisa litigated personal injury and divorce cases. But she was frustrated with the tremendous financial and emotional cost of divorce trials. Contested hearings inhibited reconciliation and healing for thewhole family. She started the Beaver Dam divorce mediation practice in 1995 and with her partner, Cassel Villarreal, expanded to Oshkosh and West Bend ten years later.