It is almost always better to mediate your divorce rather than spending three times as much on litigation with attorneys. However, there are some basic questions that must be asked.

Has There Been Violence in Our Marriage?

Types of Violence

Domestic Abuse is a significant issue in our society that we are only now beginning to address. Some experts feel that any violence at any time in the marriage will not allow you to mediate your divorce.  But there are different types of domestic violence. Michael Johnson’s 2008 book examines and discusses these different relationships. He found “situational couple violence” where both partners are violent and not connected to controlling the other. There is “intimate terrorism” which is the pervasive, controlling and sometimes violent behavior of one spouse toward another that most people think of when they hear the term “domestic violence.”There is “violent resistance” of the spouse who is actively resisting the other’s “intimate “terrorism.” Last there is “mutual violent control” by both parties to each other. Michael Johnson describes these types of violence at a conference in Stockholm.

Recent/Significant Violence

A mediator experienced in DV issues is capable of mediating a controlling relationship even one that may have had some violence episodes in the past. However, especially with “intimate terrorism” if the violence is significant and ongoing, the victim of that violence should contact an experienced family law attorney to litigate the divorce.

What Do I Know About Finances?

While no one likes to discuss money, the truth is that finances are a critical factor in your future after divorce. The decisions you make when you mediate your divorce will affect you for years. What do you know about them?

Awareness of Current Finances

In most marriages, one spouse generally pays the bills more regularly than the other spouse and then has a better sense of the couple’s economic situation. If you were not that spouse, do you know your assets and income for both you and your spouse? This includes your home, bank accounts, investments as well as debts and living expenses. If you do, you should mediate your divorce.

Ability to Learn About Finances

The first place to get information is by asking your spouse. Often they will readily provide significant information. It is good to ask to see underlying data so that you have a better understanding. Your spouse may not respond or they may refuse to provide the underlying documents (including online statements.) Some people feel guilty looking for financial information without the permission or knowledge of their spouse. However, it is appropriate and necessary to find out this information.  If you do not know and your spouse is unwilling to share and document your financial situation, read our blog about finding your financial information for divorce.

How Long Have I Been Married?

If you have just recently been married (less than two years), you may not need a mediator. This is particularly true if you have no children and are merely dividing up wedding presents. However, if you have been married only a short time but have had a decade-long relationship that involved buying a home together and/or having children, it would be beneficial for you to mediate your divorce.